As promised--and awaited with near-hysterical anticipation--the latest episode of “Postal Brainpower, Unbound” has arrived. For NGD newcomers, “Postal Brainpower, Unbound,” (formerly known as "Dumb as a Post" is a semi-regular series that takes our readers--as well as our NY Post lurkers--behind the scenes of New York Post editorial contemplations and construction.
Adam Brodsky: “Shelly’s getting away with it, ya know.”
Mark Cunningham: “Damn straight, he is. The whole enchilada.”
Tom Elliot: “It’s not fair. Or ethical.”
Bob McManus: “He’s skating, that’s what he’s doing.”
Cunningham: “I thought Paterson shut that skating rink down or something.”
McManus: “It’s a navy term, Mark. It means getting away with something and not doing any work.”
Brodsky: “Exactly, Bob. Why the hell should the Second Floor and Senate implode and Shelly come out smelling like a rose. Like he knows what he's doing or something?”
McManus: “That‘s exactly my thought, too. So, how do we tie Shelly into it all?”
Elliot: “Let’s go with the vampire motif again. Orrrr, what about something like ‘Smelly Shelly?’ Can we find out how many showers he orders himself not to take each day? Gotta be at least a dozen. Maybe we can FOIL him on it.”
Cunningham: “Hey, why not endorse that community organizer-guy again?”
Elliot: “Yeah, endorse him two years out. We’ll call it a ‘Post Pre-Primary Exclusive Endosrorama.’
Cunningham: “Somebody help me out here, I can’t think of that guy’s name…it’s my meds.”
Brodsky: “Stewel. Paul Phillip Stewel, I think.”
McManus: “No. Absolutely not. Don‘t want to play that card yet. Way too early. Stewel’s our ace in the hole. He‘ll deliver for us in crunch time.”
Brodsky: “What if he doesn’t run again?”
Elliot: “Who cares what he wants. We made him, and we can unmake him.”
McManus: “What we need here is an entirely new Shelly template. Something vital. Overarching. Original. Something that’ll keep him from snickering at us.”
Elliot: “Yeah, wipe that snicker right off that smugy puss of his.”
Brodsky: “I really hate that guy…I just wanted to say that.”
McManus: “Let’s just make Shelly central to everything. Everything that happens. Anywhere.”
Elliot: “Right. Like the Wall Street crash and so-called non-non-sub-prime loans, stuff like that. You’re a strategic genius, Captain Bob.”
McManus: “Not exactly, Tom…on the first part, that is. But you’re on the right track. I want to frame Shelly as the epicenter--the Godzilla, if you will--of all New York government corruption.”
Brodsky: “Big problem, Bob. USA Today says New Yorkers are pikers. They got us way down in the middle of some list of theirs. I got a link for it, right here.”
McManus (chortling, hands on ears): “I don’t he-ar you, Adam! Could you please not repeat that!”
Elliot (confused): “List of what?”
Brodsky: “List of most corrupt states, by per capita convictions of public officials.”
Cunningham: “Screw the USA Today. They’re in Shelly’s pocket too, I just know it.”
Elliot: “If Mr. Rupe has taught us anything, it’s that information is like the sole of a boot.”
McManus: “What?”
Elliot: “Yeah, he once said that information was meant to be stepped on, like the sole of a boot.”
Brodsky: “It was ‘grapes,’ Tom. Mr. Rupe said information should be like grapes that are stepped on to produce a superior product. Look, I got the clip bookmarked right here on my Blackberry…”
McManus: “You‘re both right. That‘s why Mr. Rupe is sheer genius. By completely stomping-out USA Today, and then fermenting everything Shelly‘s ever come across, we produce a superior editorial product.”
Elliot: “Yeah, let’s even toss in his enemies, too. Lay them at his door too. Just for good measure. People Shelly really hates, that’ll kill him.”
Brodsky: “This makes complete linear sense.”
McManus: “So, sounds like we’re set for 2009 then. They don’t want to pay taxes on the Second Floor? Tie Shelly in--he’s got an office on the third floor, he shoulda known. Malcolm Smith produces another smoking MOU? Tie Shelly in--it’s all because of Greg Ball stalking his girlfriend and giving her the clap. Raises for underpaid judges? Tie Shelly in--they deserve big raises. The same judges get themselves indicted? Tie Shelly in--they don‘t deserve any raises.”
Cunningham: “Umm, Bob, the judges thing doesn’t work out for us. At least, the way you got it.”
Elliot: “I get it, Bob, and I think it’s magnificent. ‘Heads,’ the judges don’t lose; and ‘tails,’ Shelly doesn’t win either.
McManus: “Precisely. We’ve finally got Shelly in a box.”